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[Table] IAmA: WeAreA married couple that are both full time wheelchair users. AUsA

2013.02.22 04:25 tabledresser [Table] IAmA: WeAreA married couple that are both full time wheelchair users. AUsA

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Date: 2013-02-16
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Jesus stop asking about their sex lives. Yes, we have all Hardwood/Tile in our house. When it's raining outside and my wheels get wet I can get some speed up and do a pretty mean power slide into my living room.
Is your entire house a skateboarding heaven? Also what kind of bike was it? The bike was a 2003 Yamaha R1 black with red flames. Got into trouble on a back road I didn't know very well following some other bikers that knew it better than me.
Slowest driver should always lead, sorry about your accident. No worries man. I like where it's led me.
Who's faster? I have larger wheels on my wheechair (26") than hers (25") with much longer arms.. so me :)
Can you explain your physical relationship? Our physical relationship is basically normal. We're not afraid hold hands and kiss in public. We're very affectionate people. If you're curious how our sexual relationship is, again, basically normal with a little help from Sildenafil citrate on my side. But she can stand and walk a little, so we don't have much trouble getting into position(s).
What is cildenafil? And if possible could you go into more detail? Like what about your first time, and is it better or worse then before your loss of mobility? Yeah, Sildenafil citrate is Viagra. I need it to get things going. After that, the act is the same as everyone else. As compared to sex before my accident, I can't feel anything down there but that just means that my senses are heightened around areas that I can feel. Sex, as some of you know, isn't JUST about the feeling in your penis - it's about being intiment with your partner and enjoying each other.
I've been trying to explain this to others for most of my adult life. You've done it in a few sentences. Bravo! That's something most people don't learn until they are in their late 20's - the difference between sex and making love.
So Viagra works even though you can't feel anything there? How do you pee then? You guys look great! And very happy! Sure does! It's kind of a brute force approach, but you can't argue with results. and I need to use a catheter to help me pee.
Are you able to have kids? Do you want to have kids? I'm guessing there would be a lot of challenges with raising a kids when you are both in wheelchairs. We are pretty sure we are able to have kids. We've been trying for a bit and doctors don't see any reason why we wouldn't be able to. It's just a matter of timing. There will be some challenges, but every parent has their own specific set of challenges, ours will just be a little more obvious
Do you.. Race..? We both participated in the Murfreesboro Middle Half Marathon ( a couple of years ago. Not a race against each-other per-se. But when we're going places, we don't like to race any more than you would with your SO.
Hey! I live in Murfreesboro! In fact, I'm wearing an MTSU shirt right now! :D. You've probably seen us around town or around campus (I graduated last year)
I have family in Tullahoma and I was raised in Cookeville! LindsBecker has family in Tullahoma now, but grew up in Manchester.
Do y'all do wheelies and pretend to fall over just to scare the bejesus out of people? Usually when I'm rolling along and need to do a small wheelie over a small bump people think that I'm going over backwards and try to save me. It's a good time. And sometimes something will happen to make me actually flip over backwards in a public place, everybody freaks and nobody knows what to do except LindsBecker, which laughs.
Sorry for these possibly really stupid questions... but they popped into my head. I suppose this means you can't feel your penis. How do you know when you're about to "release"? Same with having to hold in your pee or crap if you're not near a bathroom. Is it easy to travel internationally via airplane? Do you sit in your wheelchairs or are there handicap accessible seats? Any trouble with managing to obtain two of them on each flight? 1) It's strange, but my legs spasm in a very specific way when something is happening down there. More specifically, they will spread out just before something happens.. it's my job to get to the bathroom FAST! but generally I my body won't pee or poo without using a catheter or suppository. 3) I LOVE Southwest for this. Every Southwest plane is the same, and there is just enough room that we can get our wheelchairs in the front door and close enough to the front seat to transfer, then they take our chairs and put them under the plane. Then bring them to us again when we arrive at our destination.
You guys look like a great couple! How do you guys stay healthy? What's your weekly exercise/diet look like? 4) Thanks! I try to stay healthy by staying active just like anyone else would. That's the main reason I wouldn't even consider getting a power wheelchair. Weekly exercise is just pushing around wherever we go, so just going out downtown or something can be a pretty good exercise. And our diet could be better.. WAY better.
I apologize for flooding you with questions, but I am rather curious. I have a friend who suffers from spina bifida from his ankles down which he says feels like both feet are permanently asleep. However he isn't in a relationship with a wheelchair user so I an using this opportunity as intended. Now, enough with the babble and to the two questions. 1) Travel and shopping? How do you go about it? 2) What is the nicest and alternatively the rudest someone has been? We appreciate the questions for the sake of helping others to answer: 1a) Travel is somewhat limited, but thanks to the ADA (Link to most travel places in the US are wheelchair friendly. But I'd have to say that cruises are always awesome! If you're talking about just local travel, we both drive Mazda RX8's, which is great for wheelchairs because of the suicide opening rear doors. And 1b) Shopping is a little more tedious in the wheechair, but most major grocery stores have smaller shopping "kid" carts that make it easier. But I can push a regular sized cart with no trouble. 2a) Basically I can easily ask anyone for assistance for anything without any trouble, and we do appreciate when people say "I know you don't need help, but is there anything I can do to help you?" 2b) Alternatively when they assume we NEED help and take it upon themselves to grab things out of our hands or try to help us take our wheelchairs apart to get in the car without me giving permission.
Thanks for doing this AMA. Do either or both of you undergo any type of therapy/exercise with the goal of walking in the future? What is spina bifida? You're welcome! For me, I only did my initial rehab, which was 2-3 months. My spinal cord injury is a T-12 complete, which means I have no feeling below the belly button with 0 chance of walking again.. but walking is over rated anyways. I enjoy my life much more in the chair than I did before.
So, if you had the choice, you would choose to not be able to walk? Honestly, no. :)
But the handicap stall is so clean and spacious. . . Do you mean for the rest of us to use the common stalls? Yes, citizen.
Ever played wheelchair basketball? I've tried wheelchair basketball, it is fun, but despite being in a titanium wheeled device designed for speed and agility, I'm still to white and uncoordinated to be any good. I do like wheelchair softball/water skiing/biking/skydiving though.
It looks like fun! (btw. do you get offended whenever someone that is not on a wheelchair says "that looks like fun!"?) And no, I don't mind that at all, because it is fun. Next time you come to Nashville, I'll take you to a practice, strap you into a chair, and let you give it a go. We don't mind letting people experience something different. But, after you get hit 2 or 3 good times, you'll have a whole new appreciation for the sport.
Have you tried Murderball? (wheelchair rugby) WANT WANT WANT. But as Murderball rules require you to be a quadriplegic to play (citation needed), So I don't qualify, but I could go practice with the local team.
Wheelchair waterskiing!? Yeah! Check out this picture and here is a link to the product page for that ski.
How long did it take you to accept that you would never walk again after the accident ? Do you feel bitterness or regret over the accident ? ( sorry for being so blunt ) Honestly, I never went through the shock of finding out and acceptance. I found out when I was pretty doped up on morphine and the like for the first week. I can't remember exactly being told, but I knew it. It's a strange feeling. But I'm a very patient and level headed person, I almost never get upset stressed or depressed about anything, so acceptance was more like "Ok, what do I need to do next". And I really can't say I feel any bitterness toward the accident. It's led to me a really good place in my life that I honestly can't imagine without the accident. TL;DR If I had to do all over again, I would.
You have a fantastic attitude and a a very beautiful wife . Ok so more questions . What kind of changes would you like to see to make life easier for wheelchair users ? Do you think that government should provide more services and or assistance to the disabled ? Thanks! (she's blushing a little). The only changes that we'd like to see is more options for vehicles. The RX8 is perfect, but discontinued in 2012. Other than that there are a FEW cars with suicide doors but none that work as well for us. They are either too high (trucks), too ugly (Element), or too lame (minivans). I'd also like to see more cars with factory options for hand controls. I think the Gov't could help with that. The gov't has been pretty good for me because I was active duty, so I got a lot of VA benefits that are life changing. I think LindsBecker will have more to say about the other Gov't programs available.
Do you go through shoes regularly? Serious question. My dad comes home with new shoes every 6 months or so. Do you think this is for aesthetic reasons only? My dad is a quadriplegic btw, and I'm thinking the old ones aren't getting worn out I go through shoes fairly regularly. A little slower than usual but they do get pretty rough from rubbing on the sides of my footplate and they get worn a lot more without taking them off because I don't think about them, so they can get a little funky in the summertime. And who doesn't like new shoes?
Do you have more than one wheelchair? I do have a backup in case of emergencies.. but it just stays in the shed. When we lived in an apartment with a rented garage, I was able to use the backup as my "home chair" and leave the other chair in the car. Which gave me one less load/unload the chair per day.
Do you have a special cavan/whatever? We both drive Mazda RX8's. The suicide opening rear doors with no B pillar makes it easy to get in the front seat, take the chair apart and throw it in the back seat. It's easy for both of us to get in the car and put our chairs on our respective sides in the back. I'd say it take less than 90 seconds to get completely in/out of the car.
The cars have hand controls for the gas and brake. Mine is a bar that comes out from behind the left side of the steering wheel. Push it forward for brake and twist like a motorcycle for gas. The hand controls just move the pedals on the car so anyone else could get in a drive it like normal.
How were you able to acquire these vehicles with those special add ons for you two? Insurance? My first set of hand controls were covered by the VA, but since then I've had to pay out of pocket. They aren't exactly cheap (about $750) but it's much better than a dedicated van with a lift (10k+ in modifications). The cars are pretty much perfect for us except for the addition of the hand controls.
Oh wow, always loved those cars and they just get better and better. Yeah, it's a shame that stopped making them in 2012. I hope something cooler comes out before it's time to replace ours.
That power assist is awesome! Ok. last question (you link me to youtube and it reminded me of this) Have you ever seen this? what are your thoughts? Link to It's nice to see people defying their bounds and doing what they love, but it's hard for me to relate directly because they appear to have some mental handicaps along with much more severe physical handicaps.
Why are you assuming they have mental disabilities? That's a bad assumption on my part. I did say appear to have mental handicaps. Just like we don't like it when people assume things about us, I don't like to assume other people's issues. I can only go off what I see, and it appears that their speech and control is impaired to the level of a mental handicap, but I can't be sure so I use passive language when talking about it.
What kind of lube do you guys use? Not sure how this relates to the AMA, but I use 3 in 1 Multi-Purpose Oil on our wheelchairs.
Do you even lift? I used to go to the gym a lot. But not since I've got a full time job. My max bench when not working out is 205. I got up to a little over 300 once.
No but to be serious how much do you guys exercise your arms? And do you get exhausted from daily stuff? The worst times for regular day to do is going up long steep hills, doesn't take long before that gets old. And also go straight on a road or sidewalk that slopes down the side, it causes your chair to want to turn in the direction of the slope, so you basically have to push the entire distance with the arm on the side of the slope.
Clearly you need a rocket booster on the back that you can activate for hills. I'm working on figuring out the weight to thrust issues. Having a bigger problem with fuel storage..
Could you possibly post a picture of you two? I cannot say I've ever seen a couple where both were in wheelchairs and I'm curious. Ask and you shall receive Link to (SFW)
Forgive me for asking, But how does sex work? You said you can't feel below the bellybutton, can you have an orgasm? Does it feel like anything? Do you feel any mental relief after sex? Best I can tell is that I CAN have an orgasm (which is just a natural response to nerve stimulation) but I can't feel it. Stimulation down there does cause a lot of spasming in my legs, which is weird, but it's the only real evidence I get that something is happening down there.
Do y'all have any sweet "alternative" wheelchairs? I'm thinking of the ones I saw on Bill Nye's show where they had racing rigs, skiing rigs, etc. I have a "sports chair" for general sports (Basketball, softball, tennis) and I REALLY want a good handcycle to ride around on nice days. But for specific sports like water / snow skiing the people that organize the events have a large collection of loanecommunity equipment.
Do you ever fantasize about strapping a supercharged engine onto your chair and turning it into a road-worthy vehicle? I'll save the supercharged engines for cars :)
But on a more serious note, do you plan on having kids? If so, would your wife be able to birth a child given her condition? And yes, as far as we know we can have kids (and are trying). We don't expect that LindsBecker will be able to give birth naturally, but she's accepted the fact we would have to do a C-Section.
Thank you so much for doing and AMA. This has been incredibly eye opening for me! Major feels going on. To my question though: Are either of you religious? Specifically to beckerwp, were you religious before your accident and did your accident effect that? Also, your wife is beautiful, nice catch. Honestly, I've never been very religious. I tend to think in a very scientific, order of operations way (which makes me a great computer programmer) but doesn't invite many opportunities for religion. With that being said, I am spiritual in the sense that I feel like me and LindsBecker were destined to be together. Whether that be God's plan, or fate, or success kid level luck, I don't know, and I don't care :)
So my main question is, how did you guys meet? I assume you met her while you were in a wheelchair. Did this provide any issues for you? And by that I mean self-confidence, and all of that. As for getting mature girls, I don't have any advice.. I got lucky! It's important to find someone who really understands you and what you go through though.
I'd love to find him a sweet girl with a similar (I wouldn't really call it this but I don't know what else to call it) issue? I think he would find someone with a similar issue like his very comfortable for him :) On that, I would have never guessed I would end up with someone with a disability, but we get eachother in a way I've never connected with anyone before. and I knew that was special. On the same idea it's not uncommon for people in wheelchairs to end up with people in the medical field.
What is the market of wheelchairs like? Are there any exciting developments going on, better wheels and constructions? There are some really cool things happening in the wheelchair world now. As technology is increasing and cost is coming down there are some REALLY cool things you can get. We were just at an abilities expo recently where they were demoing a wheelchair that had tank tracks instead of regular wheels like this and I saw a carbon fiber framed wheelchair that weighs only 4.5 LBS without the rear wheels and seat cushion (most normal chairs would weigh about 15 in the same setup)
Do you guys play bumper cars?! In the bedroom... god that was lame.. I hate myself now.
If I were to spark a conversation with someone in a wheelchair, do you think I should go eye level, like kind of kneeling down, or stand straight and kind of look down to make eye contact? Also, cute couple! Yeah, grab a chair.. nothing is more natural than 2 people sitting down and having a conversation. And I might get LindsBecker started on a rant here but: do NOT grab someone wheelchair to move them closer or push them out of the way.
Ever entertained the idea of using jetpacks? I can't work out the weight to thrust issues, yet.
Where you shop do your shops have these? and if so what do you think of them are they easy to use for you? We don't go anywhere special or different for shopping. I don't think they are designed for us per-se. My thought is those are for elderly people and people that can walk some, but not enough to walk. I am not going to get out of my car into my wheelchair to go into the store to get into a much crappier wheelchair to shop. I usually just grab on of the small baskets to put on my lap, or grab and push a cart depending on how much shopping I have to do.
For beckerwp, how did you feel/react when the doctors told you you wouldn't walk again? For both of you, are people generally understanding and nice in everyday life? How often do you encounter people that are just absolute jackasses? I heavily sedated during my first week or so in the hospital. At some point in that they had told me that I would never walk again, and I don't remember the moment they told me, but it's something that I knew. It's a strange to know something but not remember ever learning it. but I didn't take the news very hard. I'm not one to get stressed or depressed about anything, so it wasn't hard for me at all. It's really sad to me when I meet people that are victims of their circumstances and not living their life to their potentials. I took the hand I was dealt and rolled with it.
And generally everyone is understanding and accommodating. The only time we get issues from jackasses is drunk people at bars making stupid comments. But just about everyone is earshot will back us up if we need :)
Dayum, you two make a good looking couple. Do you think your being in a wheelchair served as a sort of icebreaker when you met and facilitated the relationship? Or was it just chance that you both happen to use wheelchairs? We say it's not WHY we are together, but it did break the ice. It's nice to be with someone who can really understand and identify with all of your tiny struggles and successes in life.
How crappy are sidewalks for people who use a wheelchair full time? I took a rehab engineering masters class and did a case study at the rehab center at my hospital including using a wheelchair to get around the city a bit and after about 5 blocks one of my arms was literally dead from the slant in the sidewalk, how big of an issue is that after like a year of continuous use? Also have you ever used public transport and if so how are the drivers on a day to day basis? Sidewalks are GENERALLY ok. some are horrible with cracks and holes and uneven pieces and slants. If you have a proper chair that helps a lot! The kind of chairs you get at the hospital or "complimentary" wal-mart chairs are the worst. lightweight and good center of balance makes a huge difference. Beyond that there is a good deal of technique and endurance involved.
I haven't used a lot of public transportation, but the drivers are all really nice and helpful. The only problem is when a company says they are handicapped accesible, but only have ONE bus that is and you have call in advance to let them know. (This happens on cruise destinations a lot)
How annoying is it when you cant find a ramp? Or is it not a problem going down curbs? I only get mad when the ramp is blocked by some assh**e to lazy to park in a regular spot.
Do you guys ever get taxis together? Is it even possible, do they accommodate you two together? Yeah, but when we call for a cab we make sure they send a van cab. The driver just puts the chairs in the back and we sit in the front and middle seats. In the Bahamas we had to take this "cab" that was really just a really small van car thing. They jammed us in there with the chairs and 2 or 3 other people. Not fun, but it worked. I make sure to tip the driver really well for doing a little extra work.
I met a guy last year who went down escalators backwards on his wheelchair. It was badass. Do you do the same? If so, mad props. I do that :) especially when I can't find the friggin elevator. But LindsBecker doesn't like to, so I don't do it when I'm with her.
After the accident how 'fragile' are you, for lack of a better word? Ie if you fall do you have to go to the hospital to get checked out because you can't feel anything down there? Do you need special exams to look for problems in your legs? What is the weirdest thing that has happened due to being a paraplegic that you wouldn't have expected? I'm not that fragile, but I do have to be more careful about my legs and feet. Since I can't feel them I can easily cut them on something and not even know it. A friend had once dropped a glass and it broke. I wasn't wearing shoes at the time, and my feet tend to slide off the footplate when I don't have shoes on. So, I was going about my business when we notice there are little blood spots all over the kitchen. So we got to play a game called "where is that blood coming from" is it the dog, is it a ghost, is it my foot? My toe and picked up a small piece of the glass and was bleeding just a little bit. It's a fun game, you should try it sometime.
I also have poor circulation in my legs and feet, so when I do get a cut or something, it takes FOREVER to heal.
I don't need to go to the doctor every time I fall or anything, but if I can tell something isn't right, discoloration, swelling, etc.. And I think it's not somehting that will just heal on it's own, I'll go to the doctor about it.
An aquantiance of mine (we were in the same class in elementary and are now in high school) is in an electric wheel chair and its really annoying. He gives people rides and actually spins his wheels sometimes so that they make a high pitched squeal. But the other day I felt really bad for him. Our school has only one bus with handicap doors and where it parks at the end of the day is all the way across the parking lot. Being in Canada, we also have a lot of snow and our school can't do much about the snow that goes in drifts. He got stuck, and since his chair is electric, it was too heavy to lift out. He had to wait in the cold until his bus drove over to get him. Do you guys ever face any similar obsticals? How do you get out of them? Is there ever that sense of hopelessness? I have a set of tires for my chair that look like mountain bike tires. REALLY helps out in the snow. Usually I'll salt our driveway before a big snow storm and try not to get out much until it can be cleaned up a bit.
You guys are absolutely adorable and I hope everything works out best for you, especially the baby part, you will be great parents one day :) Non-wheelchair related: I'd say it how much she cares about everyone else above herself. She is very self-less and would do anything for anyone. I love her for that.
I only wish to ask, what are your favorite things about each other, wheel-chair related, or not? :) Wheelchair related: She understands all my struggles and successes related to my disability. She never faults me for something I can't control.
Can you get spinning rims and pneumatic suspension? Yup, you can find that kind of stuff on Colours Wheelchairs
You both seem to be pretty fit. How do you keep in shape? I try to stay healthy by staying active just like anyone else would. That's the main reason I wouldn't even consider getting a power wheelchair. Weekly exercise is just pushing around wherever we go, so just going out downtown or something can be a pretty good exercise. And our diet could be better.. WAY better.
I don't want to sound crude, but I've always been curious as to how the sex life for wheelchair users is. Would you two say it's normal? See the reply to iAmReynolds.
TIL reddit is full of horny people. I don't think you're learning that for the first time. But we did expect that to be the first question.
True, though I think the masses were hoping you would expand on your description... or is that just me. We'll save the submission to /GoneWild for another night.
Have your "anti-tip bars" ever failed you? Haven't had anti-tip bars since I got out of rehab. Lindsey hasn't had any since she was a teenager. We both have enough strength and trunk control that they are not needed.
Sorry if I may be too late or if this questions has already been asked but are you able to drive in a car or an adapted vehicle? If not, what type of transportation do you use? Yeah this AMA is getting long. We drive Mazda RX8's
How did you adjust to life on a wheelchair after your accident? Especially after being a marine. Life adjustment wasn't actually that bad for me. Some people have a hard time with it, but I have a very logical "well that sucks, what's do I do next" mentality. I will say that finding my wife and all the benefits from the VA have really made it easy. Thanks to her and the VA I know I don't have to worry about anything for the rest of my life. I can do what I love to do, and I don't have to worry about anything :)
How do like either of you do the cleaning and like other stuff round the house? There isn't much you can't do from a sitting position. We prefer to use a swiffer instead of mopping, but sometimes we have to mop, so we mop. The only thing we need help doing is changing some lightbulbs around the house. We have plenty of friends and family that help us out whenever they come over.
I used to have knee problems where I can't bend them for the amount of time it takes to dook without incredible pain, but could walk just fine, and I always got dirty looks from others that needed it. How do I explain without sounding like I'm just lying about it? That's a tough one.. I honestly don't have any advice for you. It's not that hard to explain our excuse to people :)
Are children a possibility for you without adoption? Yeah, from what we've been told there is no reason we shouldn't be able to have children and we are trying :) We both know and have accepted the fact that she would have to have a C-Section. But we are excited to have children and are reserving adoption as our last option.
Would you ever consider joisting? I have confidence you would win! joisting?
Have you begun notiving any muscle atrophy in your legs? When I was first injured and in therapy for 2 months, I lost about 30 pounds in muscle. The muscles in my legs have totally atrophy'd away, but it has been replaced by fat so it doesn't look awkward.
Last updated: 2013-02-25 21:31 UTC
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